SonicClash Live-Blogs The 2009 MTV Video Music Awards
Written by: Money Mike
Another year, another VMA ceremony. The hot mess of award shows has a long and interesting history-from Madonna’s performance in the wedding dress to Prince’s ass-less chaps to the Michael and Lisa Marie kiss and Britney’s disastrous “Gimme More” performance. Will this year’s show live up to the same standards? With performances from Beyonce, Jay-Z, Green Day, Muse and others, as well as a show-opening tribute to the King of Pop, it looks to be an exciting event.
Beyonce and Lady GaGa lead the pack of nominees, with 9 each. Eminem and Kanye West are also among the major nominees. Who will turn out to be the evening’s big winner?
Keep your eye on SonicClash for the next couple of hours, where I’ll be live-blogging the event (provided I don’t fall asleep or turn the TV off in a fit of anger). Feel free to add your comments to the proceedings. Enjoy the show!!
*The show opens with Madonna, who thankfully has covered up her gross spider arms.
*She delivers a touching speech tributing Michael Jackson. Funny, I thought there was no love lost between the two.
*The camera pans to Jermaine Jackson in the audience. Sad that his brother had to die for him to get an invite to an awards show.
*I wonder if Jermaine takes the excess oil from his hair and uses it on his shiny face or vice versa.
*Lady GaGa is sitting behind Beyonce. I think I speak for everyone when I ask “what the hell is he/she wearing?”
*A bunch of people I don’t know are imitating MJ’s best dance moves. The dude in front is trying to do the “Smooth Criminal” lean, but he hardly bends over. Fail.
*Janet makes her entrance during “Scream”. Looks like she’s struggling to do those moves that were so effortless fifteen years ago. Ah well, if her dance moves fail her, she can always pull out her titty again.
*Man, Janet Jackson titty jokes NEVER get old.
*Katy Perry and Joe Perry are performing “We Will Rock You” together. Did someone say “those two have the same last name. Isn’t that cool? Let’s have them perform together!”? ‘Cause I see no other reason why those two should be on stage right now.
*The deliriously unfunny Russell Brand is hosting for the second straight year. He’s also wearing too tight pants which reveal his terminal case of n’assatall.
*He just called Jay-Z a handsome man. Those British people sure have weird taste.
*Why is this guy hosting the show? If they wanted to get someone from “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”, couldn’t they have gotten Jason Segel? Mila Kunis? Jonah Hill? Paul Rudd????
*Some guy I’ve never heard of before is presenting the award for Best Female Video with Shakira.
*Remember the whole “breasts are small and humble” line from “Whenever, Wherever”? I see that now.
*Taylor Swift steals the award from Beyonce and Mr. GaGa. Kanye (in an obviously scripted moment) shows up to protest. Dear Mr. West, you throwing hissy fits at awards shows stopped being funny like five years ago.
*You’ll hate me for this, but I think “I Love College” is my favorite song released this year.
*Tracy Morgan appears in a skit with Eminem. Shit, they should’ve had HIM host the show.
*Jack Black and Leighton Meester (?) present the award for Favorite Rock Video. If there’s anyone in this world less funny than Russell Brand, it’s Jack Black. I’ve been giving him a free pass for years because of “High Fidelity”, but I think his time’s up.
*Green Day wins the award for Best Rock Video. Was anyone other than me unmoved by “21st Century Breakdown”?
*Um, here comes some Justin dude (not Timberlake) and some chick from “ICarly”. Did I accidentally sit on the remote and turn to the Teen Choice awards?
*Taylor Swift is performing from the 42nd Street/Bryant Park subway station. The camera shows her upper body only bhe jecause they don’t want to give the rats scurrying at her feet any camera time.
*She jumps on an F train, filled with a bunch of her fans singing along, hiding the smelly homeless guy masturbating in the corner.
*The train goes from 42nd to 47/50 Rockefeller Center in one smooth movement, probably the first time in New York City subway history that’s ever happened.
*Pete Wentz and the dude from Cobra Starship trade some unfunny banter before introducing Lady Penis.
*GaGa has a surprisingly strong singing voice. Must be the testosterone.
*You think he/she should have called her hit “Butter Face” instead of “Poker Face”?
*The performance ends with her covered in fake blood suspended from the ceiling. Um, I don’t get it, either.
*OK, I could be a funnier host than Russell Brand.
*Nelly Furtado and Kristen what’shername from “Laguna Beach” are presenting the award for Best Pop Video. I’m definitely out of touch because I don’t know half the people who are presenting.
*Nelly plugs her new album, “Mi Plan”. She’s been hanging around rappers too long.
*Wisin Y Yandel are nominated along with Britney, Beyonce, Lady HeShe and Cobra Starship. Hmmm…which one doesn’t belong?
*Britney wins. Looks like it’s gonna be a long night for Beyonce and GaGa.
*Britney says “Omahgawd, y’all!! Thank y’all so much, y’all!”
*Hmmm…this Megan Fox chick is kinda hot.
*The camera finds J. Lo and Marc Anthony in the audience. They’ve been hiding here since the 1999 Video Music Awards.
*Green Day’s performing. An F-bomb slips through the censors. And Billie Joe needs a haircut.
*I just popped over to Facebook in time to see all the status updates slamming Kanye. If it wasn’t obvious to you that the whole bit was staged, I don’t know what to tell you. No wonder people think Americans are stupid.
*Ne-Yo and some dude (I was in the other room) announce Beyonce, who’s probably a little pissed off that she hasn’t won anything yet.
*She’s doing the “Single Ladies” routine with the same chicks from the video. You know, they say the black one is a tranny. There’s a Lady GaGa joke in there somewhere, but I’ll let you put it together.
*If Jay-Z ever pisses her off during sex, I think all she might need to do is clench her hips together and she’ll rip his dick off. Watch your back, Hov.
*Diddy is presenting an award with Meadow Soprano. Where’d they dig her up from?
*They present the award for Best Male Video. Kanye gets booed. Y’all so crazy.
*T.I. wins and there’s no videotaped acceptance speech. I guess no one stuck a camera inside the cake when they went to visit him in jail.
*Who’s the British guy who looks like Brandon Flowers?
*Muse is performing their new song, which is good and all…but is it me or does it sound like “Womanizer”?
*There’s a reason I didn’t say anything about Solange performing Kings of Leon’s “Use Somebody”…
*Jenny from the Block is presenting the Best Hip-Hop Video award.
*Eminem wins for regurgitating the same video he’s made 7 times before. Yawn.
*He dedicates the award to Proof and calls him “doodie” (“dudey”?). Um…you know what? I better not say anything. I don’t want Eminem to make a dis record about me.
*Russell Brand is really toned down on this award show. One of the Jonas Brothers must have beat his ass after last year.
*Eminem and Tracy Morgan are announcing Best New Artist. I can’t wait for the new season of “30 Rock”.
*Asher Roth has the jungle fever. Who knew?
*Lady GaGa wins the award and it’s wearing a…a…I don’t even know what the hell this is.
*Eminem looks REALLY uncomfortable.
*Perez Hilton is applauding in the audience. People like him are the reason that homophobes exist.
*GaGa takes her mask contraption off. PUT IT BACK ON!!!!
*She dedicates the award to God and the gays. Somewhere, a fundamentalist Christian organization is scheduling a Lady GaGa album burning.
*Serena Williams is announcing the next performer. Am I the only one who thinks they should have had her and Kanye present an award together?
*Pink is doing a trapeze act. I’m afraid of heights. I can’t watch.
*She has a pink heart over her titty. When all else fails at the MTV Awards, there’s always at least one breast-related moment.
*Wale and Kid Cudi give me hope that 2009 will end on a strong note for hip-hop.
*Jimmy Fallon and Andy Samberg are presenting the video of the year award. Unfortunately, Fallon is not in his Barry Gibb outfit and Samberg doesn’t have a box around his waist.
*Wow, Fallon made a joke and didn’t laugh at himself. I didn’t know that was possible!
*They just made a Boyz II Men joke…I’m pretty sure most of the audience didn’t get that one.
*Beyonce wins Video of the Year and brings Taylor Swift out. Now do you believe that whole thing was scripted?
*Lady GaGa has changed outfits again. Now it looks like she’s wearing a coconut donut on her head.
*Jiggaman is closing the show. I must admit, I liked “Blueprint 3″ WAY more than I thought I was going to.
*Um, sounds like Mr. Carter has laryngitis?
*Alicia Keys walked away from the piano and it’s still playing. Huh?
*Does Ms. Keys have to sing on every song a rapper makes about New York? Or is Jay swagger-jacking Nas? (see “Streets of New York” by Alicia Keys feat. Nas and Rakim).
*Who was that random chick on stage at the end? Looked like Lil’ Mama. If that was, indeed, her, then why?
*I’m sorry. The sight of Joe Jackson, who is clearly remorseless about his son’s death, makes my skin crawl.
*However, this rehearsal footage looks damn good. If I can move like that at the age of 50 with massive amounts of drugs coursing through my body, I’ll be a happy man.
*A fairly uneventful show is over. Now I think I’m gonna go out and have a coconut donut.
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