Zac Brown Band Shreds All-Stars – Grammys 2010

CBS shills The Big Bang Theory during Best Comedy Album.  Six nominees and Colbert wins for a cute skit that turned into a record.  And for this we’ve given up a Kings of Leon or a jazz or a blues performance?  Or maybe even that, whaddya call it?  Classical.

Off of commercial, Norah Jones and Ringo Starr.  Remember, Norah’s dad and Ringo go way back.  Bobby Darin gets a Lifetime Achievement Award as Mack The Knife plays.  Ringo pumps up the audience for Norah.

Beyonce’s Halo, I Gotta Feeling by the Peas, Use Somebody by Kings of Leon, Gaga’s Poker Face and Taylor Swift’s You Belong With Me are the nominees.   Kings of Leon pull off another huge upset.  Peas and Swift were safe here.  Good for the Academy voters.

Robert Downey, Jr. is introduced as the most self-important actor of his generation which is a joke gone bad or a horrible intro.  He is Sue’s at Movie Rewind’s main dude. Gotta give it to Jamie Foxx who can make an intro.  Autotune at The Grammys is a big no-no in my book especially when we all know Jamie can sing.  Some weirdness when Jamie’s mic seemed to cut in and a different timbre was heard.  I’m just saying…  T-Pain who is never losing AutoTune regardless of venue prances a bit. The whole thing is a bit muddy for stars this talented.

It’s the big jam as Slash enters with hat and blazing guitar.

Katy Perry, kind of looking like his daughter, shows up with Alice Cooper.  They give  Florence Greenberg a posthumous  Trustee Award and start naming   Best Rock Album nominees.

Best Rock (Kid Rock?  Rock of Ages?) whatever that means anymore, goes to Green Day.  That’s a strange choice with Dave Matthews and the album I thought had won, AC/DC’s Black Ice.  Insiders Butch Vig and Chris Lord-Alge get name checked by Billie Joe Armstrong who doesn’t let anyone else talk.  He writes great hooks, but I’m getting bored with Billie Joe again.   This happened after Dookie too.

Chris O’Donnell shills one of the NCIS shows.  He throws a lifetime award to Harold Bradley.  He then gives way for Zac Brown Band and Leon Russell.  I would say Leon looks great, but between the shades, big white hat and beard, I couldn’t say.

He sounded great though as did the protracted acapella version of America that opened the segment.  Brilliant, brilliant band.  Harmony.  Lyrics.  America.  Shredding acoustic guitar solo.  These guys will be around on a decade.

Popularity: 23% [?]

Fergie Vs. The Censors – Grammys 2010

Seal brought the crowd to life with a Lifetime Achievement Award for Leonard Cohen. Then he opens up with another performance. No boring awards here.

Roll out the songs.

Here’s Pink, doing herself proud in front of the industry and a worldwide television artist. Her outfit is a cross between nun’s habit and none habit. She is glamour and spins through the track without blemish eveas she disrobed into truly none. If Jerry Falwell hadn’t died, this would have killed him. Our girl spins as though in a circus, looking sexier by the minute until she is drenched in water and hit every note while spinning above the crowd in fabric.

Amazing.

Miranda Lambert and Keith Urban, both beautiful, look pretty pedestrian after that. They announce Loretta Lynn’s Lifetime Achievement Award and a Trustee Award for long-timer producer Walter Miller.

Best New Artist, the Kiss of Death Grammy, that Gaga should have been eligible for rolls up. I told Money Mike that Hilson was the safe Academy choice although The Ting Tings or MGMT should win. Zac Brown Band pulls the well-deserved upset! The boys look happy, yet even though they are performing later, they get played off.

Miley Cyrus, all growed up, introduces the Peas. Fergie gets “mother-father” in place instead of the lyric and CBS reacted too late for the delay. CBS began experiencing audio difficulties. Language. After watching Pink spin above the crowd, dripping water and dressed in ribbons, do we really need to worry about some lyric. BEP does their typical strong musical theater performance. I’ve Got A Feeling brought everyone out, robots included.

Welcome to the Future, they exhort the crowd. Except, you know, for the censorship part.

Loretta Lynn photo: Scott Schram http://schram.net/

Popularity: 34% [?]

Gaga, John Open Grammys

Live blogging the Grammys tonight and away we go once Ryan Seacrest scampers in from the red carpet after letting slip (yeah, right) that he’ll be performing on We Are The World.  To quote Lionel Richie, “We had Dan Akroyd there so yes, you can sing.”

Gaga updated the opening with the real Gaga that mashed a circus, steampunk and a power ballad that has the likes of Alice Cooper and Elton John gushing to mainstream media about the latest to ascend the throne they built. Lady Gaga relises being a monster. That’s why Sir Elton donned specs years after shedding them from his act.

Gaga pulled all the specs and eye patches off and dueted with Sir Elton brilliantly. Alice Cooper said it best. Gaga works as an artist because she can sing.

Stephen Colbert does his schtick to a flat crowd including a once-over glance from Jay-Z. One liners: Jeff Beck has the all-time high score on Guitar Hero. Then he told his daughter to stay away from Katy Perry.

Finally Song of the Year on an iPad. Beyonce and co-writers win for Single Ladies. I’m not sure the songwriter award belonged to that track. It was certainly my choice as Record of the Year. Colbert talked so damn long that they played the songwriters off lightning-fast.

Jenny from the Block is up. We told you years ago that American Idiot would be a Broadway show. The Broadway cast and the once-punkers met onstage for GD’s title track. Writing hellacious hooks was never a problem although Joey Ramone probably revoked their place in Punk Heaven. The good news is that Tres Cool’s kids will never want for college tuition. So Green Day has been Glee’d. They won’t be the last.

There’s a promo for When in Rome masked as presenting. The actors shill for people to get interactive and vote for Bon Jovi to play one of three songs. Oy. The Pro Bowl is before the Super Bowl and now we get to vote on Grammy performances.

Best Country Album was Taylor Swift’s when the nominations were announced although Zac Brown Band sure had a chance. No Kanye sighting although Taylor’s delight is getting a bit tired. Taylor, you’re winning everything on every show. Accept it. Nice young woman. I’m sure it’s a dream.

CBS shills The Mentalist by trotting out Simon Baker without worrying about his accent. Hugh Laurie was undoubtedly jealous. I’m simply jealous because he introduced Beyonce. She is our generation’s Streisand and Cher rolled into one mixed with a supermodel’s looks.

The mix sounded off on my set, but was resolved about halfway through. The holding pen she sang to moved a little of the gravitas from the show, but music is about people so no complaints here. Beyonce threw a fake cold ending at the audience and owned the venue.

Popularity: 20% [?]

Grammy Week!: SonicClash’s 2010 Predictions: Rock

For my guesses on who’ll win the rap categories, click here.

The issue with a lot of categories that the Grammy Awards choose to recognize is the fact that the categories themselves are so amorphous. OK, it’s easy to figure out what constitutes a “rap” performance, and “pop” is an all-encompassing term. But “rock” is one of those terms that means different things to different people, and when you look at a group of nominees in a rock category, there tends to be a lot of “those two bands do NOT belong in the same category”.

It’s the same premise as the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. In that case, “rock” refers to any American music made after the rock era began in the mid-Fifties (which is why artists as disparate as Miles Davis, Bob Marley, Madonna and Grandmaster Flash are in the HOF). No one can really argue with that definition, can they?

Well, of course they can, because most people think of the word “rock” and immediately conjure up an image of five white guys with long hair playing guitar (there might be one black guy-he plays bass). However, even THAT definition is pretty amorphous: I mean, The Beatles are a rock band, but so is Against Me! So is Vampire Weekend. And you’d never see any of those three bands playing a bill together or hear them on the same radio station, right?

My point is that it occasionally leads to some head-scratchers, lilke Train’s “Drops of Jupiter” winning Best Rock Song in 2002, or Pink’s “Trouble” winning Best Female Rock Performance a year later. I mean, when you break it down, both bands can be considered “rock”, but…tell that to some kid listening to Led Zeppelin who has a fairly narrow definition of rock (which probably wouldn’t even include the blues singers and players Plant, Page and co. stole from).

By the way, “Drops of Jupiter” popped up on my iPod today, and I was reminded of what a great fucking song it was.

Anyhow, off my soapbox. This year’s Grammy nominees in the rock category have a very “old guard” quality to them thanks to the presence of Springsteen, U2 and Green Day (yes folks, Green Day is now classic rock). Even the nominees in the “harder” categories are a bit aged. Not sure what to attribute that all to, but here are the nominees.

Best Rock Song (awarded to the songwriter)

Nominees: The Fixer (Pearl Jam), I’ll Go Crazy if I Don’t Go Crazy Tonight (U2), 21 Guns (Green Day), Use Somebody (Kings of Leon), Working on a Dream (Bruce Springsteen)

Will Win: Kings of Leon

Should Win: Pearl Jam

Three Grammy favorites (including U2, who have won more Grammy Awards than any band in history) are here, along with a moderately-recognized band who made a great record in Pearl Jam and a team of relative new jacks in Kings of Leon. So why am I picking the new jacks to win? Because “Use Somebody” is the only one of these records nominated in a major category (Record and Song of the Year), because KoL won in this category last year (for “Sex on Fire”), and because “Use Somebody” was freaking ubiquitous last year. As much as I like the Followill boys, though, I think Pearl Jam made an amazing record (the album, “Backspacer”, was released after the eligibility deadline) and should get recognized for something. Won’t happen, though.

Best Rock Album

Nominees: “Black Ice” (AC/DC), “Live from Madison Square Garden” (Eric Clapton and Steve Winwood), “21st Century Breakdown” (Green Day), “Big Whiskey & the GrooGrux King” (Dave Matthews Band), “No Line on the Horizon” (U2)

Will Win: U2

Should Win: ????

This is what I’m talking about: yes, AC/DC and DMB both qualify as rock bands, but should they be competing against one another, considering their styles of music are worlds apart? That said, this is a ridiculously interesting category, and anyone could win. AC/DC’s got the long-overdue recognition thing going for them (they’ve never won a Grammy), as well as the anti-establishment vote. Clapton and Winwood have the superstar collaboration thing going for them that worked so well for Alison Krauss and Robert Plant last year. Dave Matthews Band have the only one of these five albums in a major category (Album of the Year), plus this is their first album following the death of sax player LeRoi Moore. U2 is, well…U2. So this one is a toss-up with the only sure loser being Green Day (who got MTV and American Music Awards anyway). Thing is, though, with the exception of Clapton and Winwood (the only one of the five nominations I’ve never heard), everyone in this category made a sub-par album (to be fair, AC/DC’s wasn’t exactly subpar, it just sounded like every other album the band’s ever made). None of these guys really deserves this award. Is that sad or what?

Best Solo Rock Performance

Nominees: Beyond Here Lies Nothin’ (Bob Dylan), Change in the Weather (John Fogerty), Dreamer (Prince), Working on a Dream (Bruce Springsteen), Fork in the Road (Neil Young)
Will Win: Bruce Springsteen

Should Win: I think I’ll sit this one out, too.

I couldn’t pick a “Should Win” for the last category because no one really deserved it. I won’t pick a “Should Win” for this category because I’m fairly unfamiliar with the nominated songs. I’m not sure if I even ever knew that Fogerty and Young released albums last year. That said, I was sort of surprised that Grammy voters didn’t show Bob Dylan love in any of the major categories, since they’ve slobbed Zimmerman’s knob plenty over the course of the past decade or so. This could be his consolation prize. It’s between him and the Boss, who had the closest thing to a universally-recognized critical and commercial success out of any of the five nominees. One thing I will say is that when 51-year old Prince is the youngest nominee in a category, it’s time for an infusion of some new blood, STAT.

Best Rock Performance by a Duo or Group

Nominees: “Can’t Find My Way Home” (Eric Clapton and Steve Winwood), “Life in Technicolor II” (Coldplay), “21 Guns” (Green Day), “Use Somebody” (Kings of Leon), “I’ll Go Crazy if I Don’t Go Crazy Tonight” (U2)

Will Win: Kings of Leon

Should Win: Kings of Leon

My Spidey Sense tells me that KoL will also win this category, with Grammy deciding to award the band that currently has the best balance between commercial recognition and “cool” factor. I wouldn’t count out either Green Day or U2, though. “21 Guns” was far and away the best thing on “21st Century Breakdown” (probably the most disappointing purchase I made in 2009) even though it was a bald-faced rewrite of “Boulevard of Broken Dreams”. U2 got a surprising amount of critical love for “No Line on the Horizon” (Rolling Stone named it the best album of the year), so…who knows? Whoever wins Best Rock Song will also win this award, so the most likely scenarios point to U2 or Kings of Leon winning this award.

Best Hard Rock Performance

Nominees: War Machine (AC/DC), Check My Brain (Alice in Chains), “What I’ve Done” (Linkin Park), “The Unforgiven III” (Metallica), “Burn it to the Ground” (Nickelback)

Will Win: AC/DC

Should Win: Alice in Chains

If Nickelback wins in this category, there will probably be a riot. Count them out immediately. I first picked Linkin Park to win this award (because Grammy voters honoring a live version of a 2-year old song sounds like something they would do), but then I thought about it some more and realized that now might be a good idea for the voters to finally acknowledge AC/DC’s contribution to rock and roll. With the double-platinum success of “Black Ice” and the probability that there probably won’t be another AC/DC album to nominate in the near future, if ever again, I say Angus, Brian and company finally walk away with a golden gramophone. Since Grammy folks like to award bands retroactively, this will be their consolation prize for not winning anything for “Highway to Hell” or “Back in Black” (although, to be fair, this category didn’t exist when those two classics were released). Personally, I don’t have a problem with AC/DC winning, but it would also be nice to see AiC rewarded for making a near-improbable comeback both creatively and commercially.

Best Metal Performance

Nominees: “Dissident Aggressor” (Judas Priest), “Set to Fail” (Lamb of God), “Head Crusher” (Megadeth), “Senor Peligro” (Ministry), “Hate Worldwide” (Slayer)

Will Win: Slayer

Should Win: I am NOT a metalhead

This is the one category in which I can safely say my familiarity with any of these songs is minimal. I know who all the bands are. I’ve heard music from all these bands before. I just haven’t heard the nominated works, and none of the bands ranks as anything I would listen to regularly. Metallica won in this category last year, and this year they have slid over to the Hard Rock category. Of the five nominated bands, Megadeth has seven nominations over their career without a win, while Ministry has six without a win. The only band in this category with an actual Grammy win to their name is Slayer, so my gut says they will prevail again and Dave Mustaine will continue to be the Susan Lucci of the Grammy Awards.

Best Alternative Music Performance

Nominees: “Everything That Happens Will Happen Today” (Brian Eno and David Byrne), “The Open Door” (Death Cab for Cutie), “Sounds of the Universe”(Depeche Mode), “Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix” (Phoenix), “It’s Blitz!” (The Yeah Yeah Yeahs)

Will Win: Brian Eno and David Byrne

Should Win: Phoenix

Here’s another thing I don’t get. What qualifies as “alternative”? Alternative to what? That’s yet another amorphous category that has in the past awarded everyone from Green Day (post-punk) to Gnarls Barkley (R&B) to The Beastie Boys (hip-hop). This year’s nominees nod to the new wave of yesteryear while also giving a glance to morose singer-songwriter pop and French dance/rock. “Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix” was, after Animal Collective’s “Merriweather Post Pavillion”, the year’s best reviewed album in any genre, so Phoenix could be a sleeper winner here. However, in line with Grammy voters recognizing artists belatedly, this one could also go to either the very solid Depeche Mode album, or the Eno/Byrne collaboration. That said, the latter album was only released digitally, and it’s hard to think that the industry would award an album that was released as kind of a “F*ck you” to the current label distribution structure. Hell, even Radiohead’s “In Rainbows” (the album that won last year) was released through traditional distribution channels.

Anyhow, we’ve now wrapped up the rock categories (except for the Best Rock Instrumental Performance category, which doesn’t interest me and probably doesn’t interest you either). Next, we jump on the Soooooooooul Train and check out this year’s R&B nominees).

Popularity: 17% [?]

Grammy Week!: SonicClash’s 2010 Predictions: Rap

I have a love/hate relationship with the Grammy Awards. I love lists, and I love award shows, so even a minor-league award show piques my interest-and there’s nothing minor-league about the Grammys. This ceremony is to music what the Academy Awards are to movies. Not only is the receiving of this award a validation of sorts for the artists that win (after all, this award is voted on by other musicians as well as assorted execs and other industry folk), but it also pays dividends at the cash register-ask artists like Bonnie Raitt and Ricky Martin. Raitt’s surprise sweep in 1990 finally turned her into a superstar after decades of performing. Martin’s performance of “The Cup of Life” 11 years ago introduced him to a huge Middle American audience who had no idea who he was.

On the other side of the coin is the fact that the people who are part of the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences (the team that nominates artists and chooses who wins) have made some foolish choices over the years. An overly conservative block of voters has conspired to overlook some incredibly influential artists and bands over the years. Led Zeppelin never won a Grammy. Neither did Bob Marley. Other artists who have never won a Grammy Award: Diana Ross, The Clash, Hall and Oates, The Talking Heads, Public Enemy…need I go on? Smokey Robinson and James Brown have one Grammy each. The Rolling Stones have two.

There have also been some pretty major errors in judgment over the years. Remember Christopher Cross’s Grammy sweep in 1981? How about Jethro Tull winning the first Grammy ever awarded in a heavy metal category? Steely Dan’s “Two Against Nature” beating “Kid A” and “The Marshall Mathers LP” for Album of the Year in 2001? What about Herbie Hancock beating Kanye West and Amy Winehouse in the same category just two years ago? The fact of the matter is that the majority of Grammy voters are over 50 (and thus, out of touch with what current musical tastes and genres are) and comprise whatever the music industry version of the Old Boys’ Network is, which leads rock crit-types (or really, anyone with more than a passing interest in contemporary music) to go batsh*t insane every year when the nominees and then the winners are announced.

This year’s nominees are not so much out of touch as they are predictable. For better or for worse, this year’s big nominees represent what was actually popular in 2009. So the leading nominees are R&B diva Beyonce Knowles, country sweetheart Taylor Swift, dance diva Lady GaGa and (it pains me to write this) The Black Eyed Peas. All of the above named artists are talen-three of the four above named artists are talented, but even in what was a pretty crappy year for music, it’s hard to argue for any of these folks being the best that the industry had to offer last year.

At any rate, I’ll be bringing you my predictions in the major categories and genres (except for country, which I will admit is not my most knowledgeable genre, despite more than a passing interest), with all the appropriate commentary. My success rate over the years has actually been pretty good, which should clue you in on how predictable the Grammys really are. Or maybe I have the inside track and actually know who the winners are before they’re announced? (No, that’s not the case. Although several people I know receive ballots, they’re quite tight-lipped about their choices).

Anyway, we’re gonna start this party off with the rap categories. While the very first rap Grammy (back in 1989) went to the mom-friendly DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince despite the fact that the previous year was a watershed moment in hip-hop, the voters have gotten better about nominating and awarding quality with the passage of time. The past decade’s big winners have been Kanye West (who has won 11 of his 12 Grammys in rap categories) and Eminem (who has 9 of his own), and they’re the big nominees this year, although all of West’s nominations save one come from appearances on other artists’ records, and Eminem’s “Relapse” was of questionable quality, to say the least. Let’s take a look at the nominees, shall we? Anything to shut me up…

Best Rap Song (awarded to the songwriter)

Nominees: Best I Ever Had (5 songwriters, including Drake and Lil Wayne), Day ‘n Nite (2 songwriters, including Kid Cudi), Dead and Gone (3 songwriters, including T.I. and Justin Timberlake), D.O.A. (Death of Auto-Tune) (7 songwriters, including Jay-Z), Run This Town (5 songwriters, including Jay-Z, Rihanna and Kanye West)
Will Win: T.I. and Justin Timberlake
Should Win: Tough choice

Drake and Kid Cudi represent hip-hop’s new breed, and a win for either of them would represent a changing of the guard. Too bad that won’t be happening. Grammy has always been slow to recognize new talent, and the fact of the matter is that the older sector of voters recognize the names “Jay-Z” and “Kanye West” and not the names “Drake” and “Kid Cudi”. I’m tempted to say Jay-Z will win, but two things turn my vote in favor of T.I. One is the fact that Jigga is nominated twice and the two songs will likely split the vote, and the other is that the T.I. song has a socially redeeming message. Jay will win this award next year for “Empire State of Mind”, anyway. Hand this one to “Dead and Gone”, which, incidentally, is the best written song of the five and should win anyway.

Best Rap Album

Nominees: “Universal Mind Control” (Common),”Relapse” (Eminem), “R.O.O.T.S.” (Flo-Rida), “The Ecstatic” (Mos Def), “The Renaissance” (Q-Tip)

Will Win: Eminem
Should Win: Q-Tip

The nominees in this category should serve as a reminder of how much crappy hip-hop music has been made in the past year or so. This award is Eminem’s to lose (“Relapse” got some critical love, Eminem is a Grammy favorite, and the album sold more than the other four albums put together), but let’s take a closer look at the nominees for a second. Flo-Rida’s nomination is a f*cking joke, Common made a completely embarrassing album that was the worst of his career, and, quite frankly, “Relapse” didn’t do Em any favors, either. Mos Def and Q-Tip, despite making the only two albums here worth a damn, aren’t commercially successful enough to triumph. While Mos’s “Ecstatic” was a nice bounceback after the artistically shaky (I’m being kind) “Tru3 Magic”, “The Renaissance” is clearly the best album of the 5 nominees from a qualitative standpoint.

Oh, for those wondering where Jay and Kanye are: “808s and Heartbreak” was considered ineligible for the rap categories, and “The Blueprint 3″ was released after the eligibility deadline and will most likely be nominated next year.

Best Rap Solo Performance

Nominees: “Best I Ever Had” (Drake), “Beautiful” (Eminem)”, “D.O.A. (Death of Auto-Tune)” (Jay-Z), “Day ‘n Nite” (Kid Cudi), “Casa Bey” (Mos Def)

Will Win: Jay-Z
Should Win: You get no argument from me here.

Here’s an interesting category with 5 relatively strong nominees. The same premise that held true for the Best Rap Song category holds true here regarding Drake and Cudi, despite the fact that “Best I Ever Had” and “Day ‘n Nite” were actually the two most popular songs here (Drake could potentially pull off an upset-this guy has a deafening industry buzz). Mighty Mos is uber-talented, but is out of his league  from a popularity standpoint. While Eminem has a chance, I think that at this point, Jay-Z has pulled in front of him in terms of Grammy recognizability, if only by virtue of his run as an actual record executive-people take care of their own. Besides, “D.O.A.” was the best of the five songs nominated here.

Best Rap Performance by a Duo or Group

Nominees: “Too Many Rappers” (Beastie Boys and Nas), “Crack a Bottle” (Eminem, Dr. Dre and 50 Cent), “Money Goes, Honey Stay” (Fabolous featuring Jay-Z), “Make Her Say” (Kid Cudi, Kanye West and Common), “Amazing” (Kanye West and Young Jeezy)

Will Win: “Crack a Bottle”
Should Win: “Make Her Say”

This is the most difficult of the categories to decide so far. If you put yourself in the head of the average Grammy voter, the only nominee you can definitely count out would be Fabolous-he doesn’t have enough name recognition, and the song he’s nominated for was an album track and not a single. The sympathy vote could go to the Beastie Boys, on account of MCA’s battle with cancer last year (and it would also give Nas his first ever Grammy), but seeing as a full recovery’s been made, I would bet against it (callous but true). The Grammy folks have been noticeably allergic to 50 Cent (who is Grammy-less so far in his career…and deservedly so, I might add), so even though “Crack a Bottle” was the biggest hit of the five nominees (hitting #1 on the Billboard singles chart), NARAS voters might pause when it comes to giving Curtis a trophy. Part of me still says the Aftermath trio will come out on top, but “Make Her Say” was just as big, has the intelligent/quirky/edgy factor going for it, samples one of the year’s biggest pop hits (“Poker Face”, which is nominated for Record and Song of the Year) and features previous Grammy winners Kanye and Common. Could go either way.

Best Rap/Sung Collaboration
Nominees: “Ego” (Beyonce featuring Kanye West), “Knock You Down” (Keri Hilson featuring Kanye West and Ne-Yo), “Run This Town” (Jay-Z featuring Rihanna and Kanye West), “I’m on a Boat” (The Lonely Island featuring T-Pain), “Dead and Gone” (T.I. featuring Justin Timberlake)

Will Win: “Run This Town”
Should Win: “I’m on a Boat”

Should “I’m on a Boat” even be in this category? Well, truth be told, Andy Samberg and his boy Akiva (is that a black name or what?) have better rhyme skills than half the rappers out there. I’d love to see this song come out on top for the pure comedy aspect. Hey, like Kevin Garnett, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE!!!!!

No, seriously. It won’t win. This award essentially comes down to two songs: “Dead and Gone” and “Run This Town”. While I gave “Dead and Gone” the edge in the songwriting category, I think “Run This Town” has the edge in the performance category. In this case, you have to consider the Rihanna factor. Her infamous assault at the hands of then-boyfriend Chris Brown took place before last year’s Grammy ceremony, and that fact alone could guilt a lot of voters into awarding a song that features her. The only roadblock? Kanye West, who is nominated in this category THREE times and could very well split the vote. In that case, T.I. wins, at which point Grammy will be saddled with a winner who can’t attend the ceremony (as T.I. is in a halfway house right now) and, if “Dead and Gone” wins in both the categories it’s nominated in, it will mean that of Justin Timberlake’s eight career Grammy wins, three of them will have been in the “rap” category. And that’s just weird.

Popularity: 44% [?]

R’NR HOF Announces 2010 Inductees: World Goes “Huh”?

The Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame just announced it’s 2010 inductees, and they are…(drumroll please)…Iggy & The Stooges, Genesis, ABBA, Jimmy Cliff and The Hollies.

*Rubs eyes* Say what?

Yes, folks. In a class that included the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Kiss and LL Cool J, this is what that lovely nominating committee was able to come up with.

I’m sorry, but if Jann Wenner isn’t playing favorites OR someone isn’t getting paid under the table, then I don’t know how else to explain this one.

I don’t know a whole lot about The Stooges (or Iggy’s music, really, beyond “Lust for Life”), but he seems to be widely regarded as a pioneer. He can slide.

Genesis? Groundbreaking prog-rock band. Very theatrical and musically complex. Then they regrouped and turned out some of the most irresistible pop nuggets of the Eighties, not to mention a string of stellar solo hits by Peter Gabriel, Phil Collins and Mike + the Mechanics. They should be in (and I just read that Phil Collins is unable to drum anymore. What happened?).

The Hollies? Aren’t they the “all that I need is the air that i breathe and to love you” band? Can you name one member of The Hollies? Do any bands today cite The Hollies as an influence? Can you name one groundbreaking or even critically acclaimed album by The Hollies? I didn’t think so.

Jimmy Cliff: “The Harder They Come” is a fantastic album. Might be the best reggae album of all time not recorded by someone named Marley r Tosh. But what has Jimmy Cliff really done besides that? “I Can See Clearly Now”? Seriously. The R&R Hall of Fame needs ONE reggae musician and that musician is already inducted. And I say this as a black man of Caribbean descent.

ABBA: The textbook definition of a singles band. Granted, they were able to create tons of ear candy, but does anyone who is not Swedish and/or gay own anything by ABBA outside of the obligatory greatest hits compilation? If we’re gonna induct ABBA, why not induct Olivia Newton-John? Or Andy Gibb? Will Britney Spears wind up in the Hall of Fame one day? (God, I hope not). And if we’re inducting legendary singles acts, where the hell are Daryl Hall and John Oates??

I’ve defended the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame to tons of people over the years, but I think I’m beginning to see the light. Anyone who says that these 5 artists are the most deserving of the list of bands that were nominated seriously has rocks in their head.

Popularity: 13% [?]

Not Necessarily The News: R. Kelly, Nick Jonas and the Grammys

Here’s what’s going on in the music world this week.

*R. Kelly is writing his autobiography with the help of celebrity biographer David Ritz, who collaborated with Marvin Gaye and Aretha Franklin on their biographies-Aretha’s was an autiobiography and Marvin’s was released posthumously. This is wrong on so many levels. First off, do you honestly think Kells is going to tell the truth about his life? Is he going to admit to marrying Aaliyah? I don’t see this going well at all, simply because if he was to write a true autobiography, he would be up shit creek legally. Secondly, I just don’t find the guy interesting-today’s artists don’t really have the backstory that a lot of the legends have, and Kells is not exactly a creative genius, so even from a songwriter’s or musician’s standpoint, what would there be to say? Finally, isn’t this cat illiterate? How can a dude that can’t read write a book?

Nick Jonas (I’ll admit that I have no idea which of the Jonas Brothers he is…I would imagine he’s the lead singer) has formed a new group called The Administration. This band has three former members of Prince’s New Power Generation-Sonny T., Michael Bland and Tommy Barbarella. I can’t find the news article anymore, but, Jonas alleges that the songs have a strong Prince influence. I call shenanigans. Those of you who watched the Grammy nomination special last week saw Nick & The Administration perform (unless you took the opportunity to take a bathroom break) and the song they played sounded nothing like Prince. It sounded like a Hanson B-side. My take on it? Those NPG guys need some serious cash, and Nick Jonas is seriously deluded. It’ll be interesting to see how this album does, since the last Jonas Brothers album performed below expectations.

Finally, in some Grammy news: Miley Cyrus’s “The Climb” (actually not a bad song for what it is) was pulled from the category it was nominated for (Best Song from a Motion Picture) because it wasn’t specifically written for the film it was featured in (“The Hannah Montana Movie”). Those Grammy folks sure are weird. You can make three albums and get nominated for Best New Artist, but if you write a song, somehow get it placed in a movie, you can’t get nominated for Best Song from a Movie? huh?

Miley’s beef with the Grammys may not be as big as Rick Ross’s. The gargantuan Florida rapper apparently is pissed off about being overlooked for Best Rap Album at the Grammys and addressed it in a mixtape remix of Beyonce’s “Video Phone”. OK-first of all, let’s look at the rappers that were nominated: Eminem, Mos Def, Q-Tip, Common and Flo-Rida. All of those artists (obviously excluding Flo-Rida) can rap circles around Rick Ross. Em and Common might have made shitty albums, but at least they have skills. Ross can’t rap AND his music sucks! I guess, though, if they put Flo-Rida in a category and omitted me, I’d be pretty pissed too. Because who would want to be left out of something in favor of Flo-Rida???

Popularity: 6% [?]

The Boring-Ass Grammy Nominations

The Grammy Awards are music’s biggest night, but lately they’ve interested me less and less. Of course, everyone’s favorite hobby is bashing the nominations (and winners), but the ceremony has seemed to evolve (devolve?) from an ultra-conservative nightmare (check out the winners from any Grammy category up until maybe the early Nineties for proof…are you aware that neither James Brown nor David Bowie has ever won a Grammy Award? And that The Rolling Stones only have two?) to a back-slapping snooze-fest for the baby-boom generation (the Paul Simon and Steve Winwood clean-ups of the late-Eighties) to a show that simply looks at the Billboard charts and nominates who’s on top of it, regardless of talent. Then for the major awards they throw in one old fogey and the old fogey inevitably wins (see: Ray Charles, Herbie Hancock, Steely Dan, and last year’s Plant and Krauss project).

This year is relatively old-fogey free, but the nominees are very pop-centric and were basically just snatched from the top of the Billboard charts. Beyonce leads the pack with 10 nominations, followed by Taylor Swift with 8. Other big nominees include the Black Eyed Peas, Lady GaGa, Jay-Z, and Kings of Leon. The frightening thing is that the three major categories basically contain the same group of artists: Beyonce, GaGa and Swift are all up for Record, Song and Album of the Year. BEP are up for Record and Album but got snubbed for Song, while Kings of Leon are up for Record and Song, but got left out of the Album category because “Only By the Night” came out before the eligibility period. The only folks who were able to sneak through that group were Dave Matthews Band (and it’s not hard to imagine that sympathy for deceased sax player LeRoi Moore is what snagged them their first Album of the Year nomination) and Maxwell, who is (actually deservedly) up for Song of the Year.

Here’s the thing, though. I LIKE Beyonce, Swift and GaGa, and still feel their nominations are somewhat undeserved. Well, let me temper that. “Poker Face” is so damn catchy it probably SHOULD be nominated for Record of the Year. However, I would say their nominations are more based on “wow-these records sold millions and millions of copies” than “wow-these records are really good). Because as shitty as this past year has been for music, I can name a ton of albums that were better than Beyonce’s, and the less said about The Black Eyed Peas, the better. At least they’ve finally been removed from the hip-hop category and placed in pop where they belong.

The Best New Artist category is the weakest in recent memory. This is essentially a two-act race, with Zac Brown Band being the people’s choice and Keri Hilson being the industry favorite (although Lord only knows why). The other nominees (MGMT, Silversun Pickups and The Ting Tings-who probably should have been nominated LAST year) are all fairly under the radar.

Notable omissions? You’d think after all the strings that were pulled putting Whitney Houston’s “I Look to You” out before the nominations deadline would help it get a nomination? No dice. Houston got a big fat zero, although the album was certainly good enough to deserve some love. Meanwhile, Grammy favorite Kanye West got the most low-key six nominations any artist has ever gotten. His “808s and Heartbreak” album was shut out of the major categories, and five of his six nominations are all in TWO categories-Best Rap/Sung Collaboration (where he’s nominated for Beyonce’s “Ego” remix, Keri Hilson’s “Knock You Down” and Jay-Z’s “Run This Town”) and Best Rap Performance by a duo or group (where his own “Amazing” with Young Jeezy is up against “Make Her Say” alongside Common and Kid Cudi).

Anyhow, here are the nominees in the major categories. The Grammy Awards airs on 1/31/2010 on CBS.

Record of the Year:
“Halo” Beyonce
“I Gotta Feeling” Black Eyed Peas
“You Belong with Me” Taylor Swift
“Poker Face” Lady GaGa
“Use Somebody” Kings of Leon

Album of the Year:
“I Am..Sasha Fierce” Beyonce
“The E.N.D” Black Eyed Peas
“Fearless” Taylor Swift
“The Fame” Lady GaGa
“Big Whiskey & the GrooGrux King” Dave Matthews Band

Song of the Year:
“Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)” Beyonce
“Pretty Wings” Maxwell
“You Belong with Me” Taylor Swift
“Poker Face” Lady GaGa
“Use Somebody” Kings of Leon

Best New Artist:
Zac Brown Band
MGMT
Keri Hilson
Silversun Pickups
The Ting Tings

Best Pop Album:
“The E.N.D.” The Black Eyed Peas
“Breakthrough” Colbie Caillat
“All I Ever Wanted” Kelly Clarkson
“Funhouse” Pink
“The Fray” The Fray

Best R&B Album:
“The Point of it All” Anthony Hamilton
“Turn Me Loose” Ledisi
“BLACKsummersnight” Maxwell
“Testimony Vol. 2: Love & Politics” india.arie
“Uncle Charlie” Charlie Wilson

Best Rock Album:
“Black Ice” AC/DC
“Live at Madison Square Garden” Steve Winwood & Eric Clapton
“Big Whiskey & the GrooGrux King” Dave Matthews Band
“No Line on the Horizon” U2
“21st Century Breakdown” Green Day

Best Rap Album:
“Universal Mind Control” Common
“Relapse” Eminem
“The Ecstatic” Mos Def
“The Renaissance” Q-Tip
“R.O.O.T.S.” Flo-Rida

Best Alternative Music Album:
“Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix” Phoenix
“Everything That Happens Will Happen Today” David Byrne & Brian Eno
“It’s Blitz” The Yeah Yeah Yeahs
“The Open Door” Death Cab for Cutie
“Sounds of the Universe” Depeche Mode

Popularity: 26% [?]

SonicClash (Live??)Blogs the American Music Awards!!

In the interest of full disclosure…this isn’t totally a live blog. I had a concert to go to tonight, so I was only originally able to catch the first thirty minutes of the American Music Awards ceremony. I’m watching the rest on DVR. So, yeah, it’s not a live blog, per se. Sue me.

I’ve always enjoyed watching the American Music Awards. It’s sort of a middle ground between the craziness of the VMAs and the stodginess of the Grammy Awards. This year, the big story is the five nominations given posthumously to Michael Jackson, who is the biggest winner in AMA history with 23 trophies (as well as a former co-host of the show). Obviously, the head-scratcher here is the fact that MJ didn’t release any new material in 2009. He’s being nominated for the six-year old “Number Ones” LP, as well as his catalog sales throughout the year. Is it fair? Yes and no. I mean, the nominations are based on aggregate record sales and radio airplay, and no human sold more records in the U.S. in 2009 than Michael Jackson. And it’s not like there’s not a precedent, considering The Beatles won a competitive American Music Award (for Favorite Pop/Rock album) thirty years after they disbanded (for their “#1s” album). Nevertheless, MJ’s wins (and I will stop just short of guaranteeing that he will win EVERY single category he’s nominated in) will come with a Barry Bonds-style asterisk.

A couple things you should know. Among the performers tonight are Lady GaGa, Adam Lambert, Whitney Houston and Janet Jackson, so the show has the potential to be a hot mess. Oh, and Rihanna’s here too. Jay-Z and 50 Cent will also cross paths. You should also know that unlike the Grammys, which anoints things as “best”, the American Music Awards designates their categories as “favorite”, a tip of the hat to the fact that these awards are not voted on by their peers, but by the general public, most of which have to be based out in Middle America, considering some of the winners in past years and the fact that I’ve never been invited to vote (although I think the voting was internet-based for a couple of years).

Another thing I find interesting about the AMAs is that unlike the Grammys, the winners are notified of their victories before the show…ALLEGEDLY. I don’t know this as gospel fact, BUT you can’t help but notice that all the winners who don’t attend have pre-taped speeches (announced falsely as *via satellite*) at the ready. You’ll also notice that a lot of the nominated acts who aren’t victorious are mysteriously not in attendance at the show. You should also check out the book written by the guy who produces the Grammy Awards, Ken Ehrlich, in which he strongly hints that the AMA winners are aware of their wins prior to the telecast.

Anyway, enough of the pregame. Let’s start the show.

*Janet Jackson is opening the show with a medley of her greatest hits. Suck in that gut Janet!! Ms. Jackson has obviously been partaking in that chicken and biscuits.

*It’s hard to tell whether Janet is singing live or lip-synching. She’s not dancing as hard as the other dancers, and she’s definitely not using the studio recordings. I hear a couple of bum notes, so I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she’s singing live.

*Jermaine and his greasy ass is in the audience. That brother is shiny all the time.

*JJ is singing “If”, and she just grabbed her dancer’s crotch. ABC’s cameras didn’t move in time enough to do a long shot of that.

*Why does Mary J. Blige always have a confused look on her face?

*Janet is now singing her latest single “Make Me”. THIS part of the performance is definitely lip-synched.

*Why do all the Jacksons pronounce “body” as “botty”?

*And I might be the only person to notice the fact that this song steals the melody line from Billy Ocean’s “Night (Feel Like Gettin’ Down)”

*Whatever happened to Billy Ocean anyway?

*The fat guy from Rascal Flatts is struggling to clap on-beat. White people are funny.

*Closing with “Together Again” is a classy move. She asks the audience to sing along, and the camera pans to Jermaine, who doesn’t know the words. Bad brother.

*The whitest announcer in the world just announced “Fiddy Cent”.

*Paula Abdul (alleged former mistress of Michael’s older brother Jackie) arrives on stage to announce the first award and she sounds completely lucid. Someone got the mix of meds right!!

*First Award is for favorite Pop group. Nominees are The Black Eyed Peas, Kings of Leon and Nickelback. Let’s assume the average Middle American is unaware of KOL, so this becomes a two-band race.

*BEP wins. They have SIX American Music Awards? Holy shit, dude.

*Even I’ll admit, Fergie looks good tonight.

*Someone said I look like apl.de.ap. Needless to say, I was highly insulted.

*Kristin Bell and Jason Aldean are announcing the award for favorite Country Band. They crack a stale joke (I think one person laughed) and announce the nominees: Rascal Flatts, Sugarland and the Zac Brown Band.

*Fat dude from Rascal Flatts gets more laughs than Jason Aldean. So much for the scripted jokes.

*How come I just now noticed that Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy looks exactly like Jeremy Piven?

*Next thing you know, FOB’s tour will be cancelled because Wentz caught mercury poisoning from eating too much sushi.

*Thanks, y’all. I’ll be here all night!!

*I like my share of bland music (hey, I own a Nickelback album!), but Daughtry is blander than bland. This ballad is not getting me or the crowd amped. I don’t know if it’s possible to perform with less energy than this.

*Here comes Shakira’s fine ass. She’s decided to turn into Nelly Furtado for the night. Although I don’t think Furtado can work those hips like Shaki can. I betcha Shakira does some serious Kegel exercises.

*I wonder if her boyfriend gets afraid that she’ll get mad at him during sex, clench her hips and then rip his dick off.

*This performance is decidedly uninspired. The brother in the front row is bored as shit. I don’t blame you, man.

*Whitney and Bobbi Kristina are spotted in the audience. Where is BOBBAY? BOBBAY BROWN? KING OF R&B!!!!

*”Modern Family”-best new show on TV. Make sure you’re watching.

*Sofia whats-her-name from “Modern Family” is a DIME PIECE. The Latinas are representing tonight.

*Keith Urban is performing. I dig most modern country, but Urban’s just not my speed. Did you know he posed for Playgirl back in the day? He didn’t show Little Keith, though.

*Here’s Reba McEntire. Did y’all see the “SNL” sketch with Kenan Thompson as Reba? I gotta admit, it was pretty funny.

*Reba is introducing Kelly Clarkson. This is like an “American Idol” reunion. Glambert and Carrie Underwood are on deck. Where’s Tay-Tay Hicks?

*I think Kelly’s gonna be joining Janet on the line for chicken and biscuits. I’m glad I hit Popeye’s before the show started.

*Cameraman, you can do all the long shots you want, but nothing can take away from the fact that Kelly is HUGE. I know she had beef with Clive Davis, but she didn’t have to eat the man.

*Snoop Dogg is replacing Steven Tyler in Aerosmith!!!

*Snoop just made a weed joke. Novel.

*Beyonce, Gaga and Taylor Swift are nominated for Favorite Pop Female, the winner is…Taylor Swift! She’s not there!! But she’s on tape!!

*This way, Kanye can’t jack her shine! Bwa hahahhahhahha!!!

*Does Taylor ever open her eyes all the way?

*A-Rod is presenting an award. You know what’s next! “Empire State of Mind”! Brooklyn stand up!!

*Alicia Keys, if you’re gonna sing “New York, New York”, you should probably know the words.

*What the hell is Seth Green doing at the American Music Awards?

*What the hell is Perez Hilton doing at the American Music Awards?

*I think Jay needs a cup of tea. He sounds like he swallowed a shot glass.

*A. Keys is lip-synching? That chorus sounds recorded.

*Is Lil’ Mama gonna jump on the stage this time? I hope there are security measures in place.

*Easily the best performance of the night so far.

*Christian Slater is presenting the next award? He still has a career? He definitely has Botox.

*Alternative Rock nominees are Green Day, Kings of Leon and Shinedown. Billie Joe’s in the audience. I bet I know who the winner is.

*Damn I’m good.

*Who’s Gloriana?

*I forgot that Taylor Swift is nominated in some of the same categories as MJ. OK, so he WON’T win everything he’s nominated for.

*I guess considering A-Rod & Keith Urban are here, it makes sense that Nicole Kidman and Kate Hudson are here as well. They’re announcing the Black Eyed Peas.

*A huge pat-on-the-back clip announces them. I wonder if they stay awake at night wondering about how they sold their souls for success. Remember when they were at least a passable hip-hop group?

*I take back my comment about Fergie. She’s back to being a butterface.

*will.i.am is wearing a keytar and a James Brown wig. I have no words.

*The other two Peas have the cushiest job in the business. Fergie and Will do all the work and the others still get paid. Maybe they should join a group with the third guy in N.E.R.D. and call themselves Who the Fuck Are Those Guys?

*Fergie Ferg can definitely sing. I wish she made a record that really showcased her talents.

*Is that Alexis Arquette? What is THAT doing there?

*Seth Green’s lady friend is a foot taller than him. Must be nice to be a star.

*Is this performance over yet?

*They just mixed “Smells Like Teen Spirit” into their performance. A thousand snobby white rock critics just went into cardiac arrest.

*will.i.am just called themselves “the new Kings”. Kings of what? Making shitty music and selling out?

*R&B male nominees are Jamie Foxx, Maxwell and MJ. In any other year, Maxwell should take this baby home, but this one is Michael’s all the way.

*Jermaine accepts on his behalf and announces his family. Jermajesty is probably still like “why the hell did you give me this name?”

*Jermajesty!!! I know Blanket is like “shit, I got off easy!”

*That “Scrubs” commercial was better than any of the previews I saw on ABC’s website.

*Zac Brown Band are announcing the nominees for Favorite Country Male. Jason Aldean, Darius Rucker and Keith Urban. Keith Urban wins, which I kinda figured would happen, seeing as he’s in the audience and all.

*How do you mix an Aussie accent with a country accent? Well, now you know, folks.

*Maybe Urban’s daughter Sunday should meet Jermajesty. Jermajesty Sunday? Sounds like a new flavor at Haagen Dasz.

*Memo to Kris Allen: no one cares.

*Soul R&B female: Beyonce, Keyshia Cole and Keri Hilson. If Beyonce doesn’t win this, I’m gonna run out on stage Kanye-style.

*Beyonce wins and didn’t even pre-tape a speech. Wack. Couldn’t Jay have accepted on her behalf?

*Ne-Yo’s head is now presenting Rihanna. I will refrain from making any Chris Brown jokes during this performance.

*You’ve gotta give her props for swagger-jacking Grace Jones when everyone else is swagger-jacking Madonna and Janet.

*She has tattoos on her neck. The front of it. Someone needs to learn when to say when.

*The performances so far have been pretty bad. Well, not bad. More like boring. Whitney and Mary better come save us,

*Fat dude from Rascal Flatts needs his own comedy show. He’s funny!

*They’re announcing Carrie Underwood. Her new album’s entitled “Play On”, in case you didn’t notice from that big-ass sign that says “Play On” glowing behind her.

*Hey, whatever happened to Shania Twain?

*They show Paula in the audience. This next season of “Idol” is gonna suck so bad without her. She’s been pretty much the only reason to watch the past couple of seasons anyway.

*Her comes GaGa and she’s wearing an…I dunno what the HELL that is. But all her dancers are wearing nude bodysuits. Censors, go to work! That’s what we pay you for.

*Those nips are in full view. Of course, she won’t get Janet-ized. She’s white.

*I’m not sure what any of this means symbolically. She breaks a glass partition to play a piano and the piano is on fire. I think I just popped a brain cell. I give her props for being different, but she confuses the living hell out of me.

*Jay-Z is in the audience like “huh?”

*Perez Hilton makes me want to throw up backwards.

*A Beatles “Rock Band” commercial just aired. John Lennon and George Harrison just rolled over in their graves, while Michael Jackson said “Shit! Why couldn’t I have stayed alive to get some of this money??”

*Here’s Drake, Jeremih and Kid Cudi announcing Mary J. Blige. When did hip-hop get preppy?

*Mary J. has essentially turned into Aretha, minus the chicken and biscuits.

*Mediocre song, but she’s singing the shit out of it. You go, Mary.

*Colbie Caillait is presenting the Breakthrough Artist award. The nominees are Gloriana (who?), Keri Hilson, Kid Cudi, and Lady GaGa.

*Ummm..this one is a no-brainer. HUH?

*WHO THE FUCK IS GLORIANA??? Off to Wikipedia I go.

*One of the Gloriana guys just made light of the fact that no one who knows who the hell they are. Who from the record company stuffed the ballot box?

*Lady GaGa is like “I broke glass bottles over my piano for THIS?”

*Here comes J. Lo. She got the “are you ready to rumble?” dude to announce her. If we added up all of J. Lo and Britney’s musical performances, how many times do you think they’ve actually sung live? Once?

*Bitch made a song about Loubotin shoes. Is that how you spell that? Are you serious?

*I would say go back to acting. But it’s not like she’s especially good at that either. Go back to…dancing? Can we bring the Fly Girls back?

*Here comes Sam Jackson. What’s he doing here? He’s not related to Michael.

*Can Whitney do it live? Let’s see.

*She’s doing it. That’s my girl!!

*Bobbi Kristina got Mr. Brown’s gap tooth. Sorry, girl.

*Is that Ray J.? Still hitting that? Aren’t him and Bobbi Kris the same age?

*There goes one of the “Dancing with the Stars” chicks and Leona Lewis, last seen looking for her career. Country female is up next. Nominees are Taylor Swift, Carrie Underwood and Reba McEntire. Can Reba pull this out?

*Nope, Taylor wins. Seriously, do you think she’s been standing by with her tour people for the entire three-hour telecast?

*Melissa Etheridge announces Best Pop Male-Eminem, MJ and T.I. The award goes to Michael. Where did Janet go? Damn…he just called out his whole family except for Randy. Shady much? Then again, Jermaine did marry Randy’s ex-wife.

*A. Keys is back to perform again. Um, I like the song, but this performance is kinda weak.

*So that’s what Seth Green is here for. Why did I just get reminded of the wigger character he played in “Can’t Hardly Wait”? I loved that movie.

*Eminem and 50 are performing “Crack a Bottle”. Em might get the award for biggest squandering of skills in the entire hip-hop industry. So talented, but his subject matter sucks ass.

*Fiddy should hook up with Leona Lewis so they can find their careers together.

*He’s performing “Forever” now. I gotta say he killed his verse on this song. This is a reminder of how good an emcee he is. That is true spittin’.

*After the show? Timbo will be joining Janet and Kelly Clarkson for…you guessed it…chicken and biscuits. Guess those steroi…uh, that weight training didn’t pay off.

*Dude has more rolls in the back of his head than Pillsbury.

*Aw, they did a little “Thriller” takeoff. How cute.

*Do you think Missy Elliott calls Timbaland every now and then and says “hey, remember me?”

*What is up with all these chicks with unpronounceable names?

*I must admit, rock has been sorely unrepresented in this show. It’s up to Green Day to save the rock.

*They’re not doing a great job. Billie Joe blows almost the entire first verse and looks singularly unexcited to be performing. Then again, I found “21st Century Breakdown” pretty uninspired and “21 Guns” is a pretty obvious rewrite of “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” .

*Ooh, fireworks. This is still a lame performance.

*Billie Joe-the falsetto was not a good look. At all.

*Toni Braxton (remember her?) is presenting favorite Male Hip-Hop. Nominees are Jigga, Eminem and T.I. I call Eminem.

*Jigga wins. Holy shit!

*That man oozes cool. Brooklyn, baby!!

*Here comes Ryan Seacrest. He’s a sportscaster??

*Artist of the Year: Is it MJ, Taylor Swift, Eminem, Kings of Leon or Lady GaGa? I say it’s either Taylor or Michael. Too close to call.

*Taylor Swift wins it. She’s either really sincere or really fake. I can’t tell which.

*Glambert is closing out the show. Good God, do you think he could gay it up a little more?

*I’m being sarcastic, in case you can’t figure it out.

*Whoa. He just ground some dude’s face into his crotch. Censors! Censors!!

*There go a bunch of moms in Iowa who won’t buy his album.

*He just almost did a face plant. Was that on purpose?

*Between him and Lady GaGa, this might as well be the GLAAD awards.

*OK dude, easy on the shrieking.

*My friend Pat mentioned that he thought the Lambert cover was so gay that he would be embarrassed if it were to pop up on his iPod. Then he said “no offense”. I wasn’t offended. That album cover is too gay even for me.

*I think the audience was too gayed out to clap for that one.

*Final tally: Taylor Swift won 5 awards, MJ won four awards, Jigga and The Black Eyed Peas won two apiece.

*There have been better ways to spend three hours, but this show wasn’t altogether awful. See you at the Grammys.

Popularity: 26% [?]

2009 American Music Awards Play By Play – West Coast Edition

Since I’m on the West Coast, we’ll pretend this show is just starting.

(By the way, Money Mike posted his own East Coast version up. It’s East Coast vs. West Coast all over again.)

I remember as a kid when I used to count down the time until the AMAs were about to start. Now? Not so much. They don’t make award shows like they used to, but hopefully we’ll get some fun performances.

I expect lots of Jay-Z love, lots of Michael Jackson love, lots of Taylor Swift love, and the opposite of lots of love for Kanye West.

Like Arsenio used to say, “Let’s get busy!”

- The show started with Janet already in mid-performance. She’s going through the old hits, though not wearing the old wardrobe. She’s wearing a brown outfit that makes her look like a baggy Pocahontas.

- Who seated Mary J. Blige next to Carrie Underwood? I bet they could talk about old boyfriends.

MJ: Girl, you think Tony Romo was bad? Man, I wanted to break K-Ci’s knee caps.
CU: You dated KC from the Sunshine Band?
MJ: Um, no. K-Ci from Jodeci. Forget it.

- The only problem with Janet going through her old hits is that it just makes anything she’s done in the last 5 years look so bad in comparison.

- Paula Abdul is the first presenter. No, she didn’t make any Ellen DeGeneres looks, acts, and sounds like a boy jokes, though you know she wanted to.

- The Black Eyed Peas won the first award which was for favorite group in the pop/rock category. At least this time, Fergie’s face didn’t break the HD tuner on my TV like it did last week.

(I DVRd Saturday Night Live last week and watched it after the fact. The picture was perfect until Fergie started to sing. The picture became pixelated and then was suddenly fixed when the performance was over. Coincidence? I think not.)

- The only thing I can really say about Shakira’s performance is, “Oh my damn.”

- Even though that long dress made her hips and legs look like a pair of parentheses ( ), Kelly Clarkson sung the hell out of We Were Never Meant To Say Goodbye.

- Alex Rodriguez just introduced Jay-Z and Alicia Keys. I bet he and Timberland and Dr. Dre could talk PEDs for days.

- Nope, not sick of Empire State Of Mind yet.

- Kate Hudson is wearing a dress that shows off her 14-year old boyish chest. She could get away with going shirtless and I don’t think anyone would flip.

- Oh man, I hope my TV can take it. The Black Eyed Peas are back on stage. Fergie Ferg ’bout to break my TV again.

- Thankfully, my TV was fine. The performance was actually fine too. And she didn’t piss herself on stage, which is always a plus.

- Your boy Michael Jackson won the award for favorite male artist in the Soul/R&B and you know who accepted it for him. If you answered greasy Jermaine, you were right. Also, you got to see his son Jermajesty, which was a treat in that of itself. I was almost sure that child didn’t really exist. But he did!

- I know nothing about the Zack Brown band. But what I learned today is that some of those dudes have some manly beards.

- Beyonce won an award and then it was announced that she wasn’t there. My heart rate has never been so up and down in a five second period ever in my life.

- Hat makers thank Ne-Yo for keeping them in business.

- Rihanna has the same haircut that David Silver rocked in the first season of Beverly Hills, 90210.

- Carrie Underwood looks good and sounds good, but needs to stay off the salad. Yes, you can be too thin. She and Kate Hudson are trying to out-skinny each other.

- Lady GaGa was carrying something in both of her back pockets, but she doesn’t have any pockets. Hmmm.

- That Lady GaGa performance was just, um, it was just, um, hmm. If I tried to describe it, you wouldn’t understand and I’d just give myself nightmares. This is why YouTube was invented.

- Not sure about you, but I can really do without these Perez Hilton audience shots.

- Some country group called Gloriana just beat Lady GaGa for the Breakthrough Award. I think I saw GaGa walk off in a huff and fly away in her spaceship.

- Ok, I think they edited this show for us on the West Coast. There’s supposed to be a part during J-Lo’s performance and she falls while performing. All I saw is that she jumped, all of a sudden it went into slow motion, and then jump cut city. Again, why YouTube was created.

- You go Whitty. Do your thing. Somewhere, Bobby Brown gently weeps while shaving those lines into the side of his head.

- I’m not sure Whitney did this on purpose or not, but she screamed, “I love YOU,” like Michael Jackson used to do it where you emphasize the “you”. I think that was a shout out to Mike.

- Taylor just won award number two and she’s not even there. I think that if you don’t attend the show and you’re not in jail like TI, or you didn’t pass away before it was given out, you have to automatically give it to Kanye.

- And just as I say that, MJ won for favorite male artist in Pop/Rock. Greasy is back on the scene to accept the award, but this time, sans Jermajesty.

- Lady GaGa was breaking fake glass on her piano that was on fire. Alicia Keys just did her one better by playing her piano in mid air while it was spinning. Supposely GaGa saw that from her space ship and just went into hyper speed.

- It’s pretty telling that Eminem decided to do his verse from Drake’s Forever since nearly everything on his album was garbage.

- Timbo is now on stage and the back of his neck looks like a pack of hot dogs. But I’m not mad because he just let Nelly Furtado join him and she’s still looking foine.

- There’s been a Toni Braxton sighting. Good to see her back and I hope she’s healthy. Jimmy Jackson and Jason Kidd just remembered why they hate each other.

- My main man Ryan Seacrest is out to give out the Artist Of The Year.

Let me run down the candidates quickly:

Eminem – Relapse may be the worst album of the year.
Michael Jackson – Dude sold more records dead than anyone alive is selling this year, except probably Taylor Swift. Also took all the buzz away from the Beatles re-releases.
Kings Of Leon – My friend Christal had to show me their video the other day. I’d never seen it before. Enough said.
Lady GaGa – She’s too far ahead of her time. Like by maybe 500 years.
Taylor Swift – I don’t have a Taylor Swift song in my music library, but she was pretty fun on Saturday Night Live.

And Taylor Swift beats MJ. Ok, maybe she wasn’t that fun on Saturday Night Live. And she talks like Drew Barrymore.

- Adam Lambert is closing the show. However, I don’t think he’s closing it out Mariano Rivera style.

- I wonder if I can get my hair as high as Adam’s. That might be a 2010 goal for me.

- Wait, is Adam Lambert gay?

Photo of Janet from Wikipedia and shared through creative commons

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