SonicClash (Live??)Blogs the American Music Awards!!

Written by: Money Mike

In the interest of full disclosure…this isn’t totally a live blog. I had a concert to go to tonight, so I was only originally able to catch the first thirty minutes of the American Music Awards ceremony. I’m watching the rest on DVR. So, yeah, it’s not a live blog, per se. Sue me.

I’ve always enjoyed watching the American Music Awards. It’s sort of a middle ground between the craziness of the VMAs and the stodginess of the Grammy Awards. This year, the big story is the five nominations given posthumously to Michael Jackson, who is the biggest winner in AMA history with 23 trophies (as well as a former co-host of the show). Obviously, the head-scratcher here is the fact that MJ didn’t release any new material in 2009. He’s being nominated for the six-year old “Number Ones” LP, as well as his catalog sales throughout the year. Is it fair? Yes and no. I mean, the nominations are based on aggregate record sales and radio airplay, and no human sold more records in the U.S. in 2009 than Michael Jackson. And it’s not like there’s not a precedent, considering The Beatles won a competitive American Music Award (for Favorite Pop/Rock album) thirty years after they disbanded (for their “#1s” album). Nevertheless, MJ’s wins (and I will stop just short of guaranteeing that he will win EVERY single category he’s nominated in) will come with a Barry Bonds-style asterisk.

A couple things you should know. Among the performers tonight are Lady GaGa, Adam Lambert, Whitney Houston and Janet Jackson, so the show has the potential to be a hot mess. Oh, and Rihanna’s here too. Jay-Z and 50 Cent will also cross paths. You should also know that unlike the Grammys, which anoints things as “best”, the American Music Awards designates their categories as “favorite”, a tip of the hat to the fact that these awards are not voted on by their peers, but by the general public, most of which have to be based out in Middle America, considering some of the winners in past years and the fact that I’ve never been invited to vote (although I think the voting was internet-based for a couple of years).

Another thing I find interesting about the AMAs is that unlike the Grammys, the winners are notified of their victories before the show…ALLEGEDLY. I don’t know this as gospel fact, BUT you can’t help but notice that all the winners who don’t attend have pre-taped speeches (announced falsely as *via satellite*) at the ready. You’ll also notice that a lot of the nominated acts who aren’t victorious are mysteriously not in attendance at the show. You should also check out the book written by the guy who produces the Grammy Awards, Ken Ehrlich, in which he strongly hints that the AMA winners are aware of their wins prior to the telecast.

Anyway, enough of the pregame. Let’s start the show.

*Janet Jackson is opening the show with a medley of her greatest hits. Suck in that gut Janet!! Ms. Jackson has obviously been partaking in that chicken and biscuits.

*It’s hard to tell whether Janet is singing live or lip-synching. She’s not dancing as hard as the other dancers, and she’s definitely not using the studio recordings. I hear a couple of bum notes, so I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she’s singing live.

*Jermaine and his greasy ass is in the audience. That brother is shiny all the time.

*JJ is singing “If”, and she just grabbed her dancer’s crotch. ABC’s cameras didn’t move in time enough to do a long shot of that.

*Why does Mary J. Blige always have a confused look on her face?

*Janet is now singing her latest single “Make Me”. THIS part of the performance is definitely lip-synched.

*Why do all the Jacksons pronounce “body” as “botty”?

*And I might be the only person to notice the fact that this song steals the melody line from Billy Ocean’s “Night (Feel Like Gettin’ Down)”

*Whatever happened to Billy Ocean anyway?

*The fat guy from Rascal Flatts is struggling to clap on-beat. White people are funny.

*Closing with “Together Again” is a classy move. She asks the audience to sing along, and the camera pans to Jermaine, who doesn’t know the words. Bad brother.

*The whitest announcer in the world just announced “Fiddy Cent”.

*Paula Abdul (alleged former mistress of Michael’s older brother Jackie) arrives on stage to announce the first award and she sounds completely lucid. Someone got the mix of meds right!!

*First Award is for favorite Pop group. Nominees are The Black Eyed Peas, Kings of Leon and Nickelback. Let’s assume the average Middle American is unaware of KOL, so this becomes a two-band race.

*BEP wins. They have SIX American Music Awards? Holy shit, dude.

*Even I’ll admit, Fergie looks good tonight.

*Someone said I look like apl.de.ap. Needless to say, I was highly insulted.

*Kristin Bell and Jason Aldean are announcing the award for favorite Country Band. They crack a stale joke (I think one person laughed) and announce the nominees: Rascal Flatts, Sugarland and the Zac Brown Band.

*Fat dude from Rascal Flatts gets more laughs than Jason Aldean. So much for the scripted jokes.

*How come I just now noticed that Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy looks exactly like Jeremy Piven?

*Next thing you know, FOB’s tour will be cancelled because Wentz caught mercury poisoning from eating too much sushi.

*Thanks, y’all. I’ll be here all night!!

*I like my share of bland music (hey, I own a Nickelback album!), but Daughtry is blander than bland. This ballad is not getting me or the crowd amped. I don’t know if it’s possible to perform with less energy than this.

*Here comes Shakira’s fine ass. She’s decided to turn into Nelly Furtado for the night. Although I don’t think Furtado can work those hips like Shaki can. I betcha Shakira does some serious Kegel exercises.

*I wonder if her boyfriend gets afraid that she’ll get mad at him during sex, clench her hips and then rip his dick off.

*This performance is decidedly uninspired. The brother in the front row is bored as shit. I don’t blame you, man.

*Whitney and Bobbi Kristina are spotted in the audience. Where is BOBBAY? BOBBAY BROWN? KING OF R&B!!!!

*”Modern Family”-best new show on TV. Make sure you’re watching.

*Sofia whats-her-name from “Modern Family” is a DIME PIECE. The Latinas are representing tonight.

*Keith Urban is performing. I dig most modern country, but Urban’s just not my speed. Did you know he posed for Playgirl back in the day? He didn’t show Little Keith, though.

*Here’s Reba McEntire. Did y’all see the “SNL” sketch with Kenan Thompson as Reba? I gotta admit, it was pretty funny.

*Reba is introducing Kelly Clarkson. This is like an “American Idol” reunion. Glambert and Carrie Underwood are on deck. Where’s Tay-Tay Hicks?

*I think Kelly’s gonna be joining Janet on the line for chicken and biscuits. I’m glad I hit Popeye’s before the show started.

*Cameraman, you can do all the long shots you want, but nothing can take away from the fact that Kelly is HUGE. I know she had beef with Clive Davis, but she didn’t have to eat the man.

*Snoop Dogg is replacing Steven Tyler in Aerosmith!!!

*Snoop just made a weed joke. Novel.

*Beyonce, Gaga and Taylor Swift are nominated for Favorite Pop Female, the winner is…Taylor Swift! She’s not there!! But she’s on tape!!

*This way, Kanye can’t jack her shine! Bwa hahahhahhahha!!!

*Does Taylor ever open her eyes all the way?

*A-Rod is presenting an award. You know what’s next! “Empire State of Mind”! Brooklyn stand up!!

*Alicia Keys, if you’re gonna sing “New York, New York”, you should probably know the words.

*What the hell is Seth Green doing at the American Music Awards?

*What the hell is Perez Hilton doing at the American Music Awards?

*I think Jay needs a cup of tea. He sounds like he swallowed a shot glass.

*A. Keys is lip-synching? That chorus sounds recorded.

*Is Lil’ Mama gonna jump on the stage this time? I hope there are security measures in place.

*Easily the best performance of the night so far.

*Christian Slater is presenting the next award? He still has a career? He definitely has Botox.

*Alternative Rock nominees are Green Day, Kings of Leon and Shinedown. Billie Joe’s in the audience. I bet I know who the winner is.

*Damn I’m good.

*Who’s Gloriana?

*I forgot that Taylor Swift is nominated in some of the same categories as MJ. OK, so he WON’T win everything he’s nominated for.

*I guess considering A-Rod & Keith Urban are here, it makes sense that Nicole Kidman and Kate Hudson are here as well. They’re announcing the Black Eyed Peas.

*A huge pat-on-the-back clip announces them. I wonder if they stay awake at night wondering about how they sold their souls for success. Remember when they were at least a passable hip-hop group?

*I take back my comment about Fergie. She’s back to being a butterface.

*will.i.am is wearing a keytar and a James Brown wig. I have no words.

*The other two Peas have the cushiest job in the business. Fergie and Will do all the work and the others still get paid. Maybe they should join a group with the third guy in N.E.R.D. and call themselves Who the Fuck Are Those Guys?

*Fergie Ferg can definitely sing. I wish she made a record that really showcased her talents.

*Is that Alexis Arquette? What is THAT doing there?

*Seth Green’s lady friend is a foot taller than him. Must be nice to be a star.

*Is this performance over yet?

*They just mixed “Smells Like Teen Spirit” into their performance. A thousand snobby white rock critics just went into cardiac arrest.

*will.i.am just called themselves “the new Kings”. Kings of what? Making shitty music and selling out?

*R&B male nominees are Jamie Foxx, Maxwell and MJ. In any other year, Maxwell should take this baby home, but this one is Michael’s all the way.

*Jermaine accepts on his behalf and announces his family. Jermajesty is probably still like “why the hell did you give me this name?”

*Jermajesty!!! I know Blanket is like “shit, I got off easy!”

*That “Scrubs” commercial was better than any of the previews I saw on ABC’s website.

*Zac Brown Band are announcing the nominees for Favorite Country Male. Jason Aldean, Darius Rucker and Keith Urban. Keith Urban wins, which I kinda figured would happen, seeing as he’s in the audience and all.

*How do you mix an Aussie accent with a country accent? Well, now you know, folks.

*Maybe Urban’s daughter Sunday should meet Jermajesty. Jermajesty Sunday? Sounds like a new flavor at Haagen Dasz.

*Memo to Kris Allen: no one cares.

*Soul R&B female: Beyonce, Keyshia Cole and Keri Hilson. If Beyonce doesn’t win this, I’m gonna run out on stage Kanye-style.

*Beyonce wins and didn’t even pre-tape a speech. Wack. Couldn’t Jay have accepted on her behalf?

*Ne-Yo’s head is now presenting Rihanna. I will refrain from making any Chris Brown jokes during this performance.

*You’ve gotta give her props for swagger-jacking Grace Jones when everyone else is swagger-jacking Madonna and Janet.

*She has tattoos on her neck. The front of it. Someone needs to learn when to say when.

*The performances so far have been pretty bad. Well, not bad. More like boring. Whitney and Mary better come save us,

*Fat dude from Rascal Flatts needs his own comedy show. He’s funny!

*They’re announcing Carrie Underwood. Her new album’s entitled “Play On”, in case you didn’t notice from that big-ass sign that says “Play On” glowing behind her.

*Hey, whatever happened to Shania Twain?

*They show Paula in the audience. This next season of “Idol” is gonna suck so bad without her. She’s been pretty much the only reason to watch the past couple of seasons anyway.

*Her comes GaGa and she’s wearing an…I dunno what the HELL that is. But all her dancers are wearing nude bodysuits. Censors, go to work! That’s what we pay you for.

*Those nips are in full view. Of course, she won’t get Janet-ized. She’s white.

*I’m not sure what any of this means symbolically. She breaks a glass partition to play a piano and the piano is on fire. I think I just popped a brain cell. I give her props for being different, but she confuses the living hell out of me.

*Jay-Z is in the audience like “huh?”

*Perez Hilton makes me want to throw up backwards.

*A Beatles “Rock Band” commercial just aired. John Lennon and George Harrison just rolled over in their graves, while Michael Jackson said “Shit! Why couldn’t I have stayed alive to get some of this money??”

*Here’s Drake, Jeremih and Kid Cudi announcing Mary J. Blige. When did hip-hop get preppy?

*Mary J. has essentially turned into Aretha, minus the chicken and biscuits.

*Mediocre song, but she’s singing the shit out of it. You go, Mary.

*Colbie Caillait is presenting the Breakthrough Artist award. The nominees are Gloriana (who?), Keri Hilson, Kid Cudi, and Lady GaGa.

*Ummm..this one is a no-brainer. HUH?

*WHO THE FUCK IS GLORIANA??? Off to Wikipedia I go.

*One of the Gloriana guys just made light of the fact that no one who knows who the hell they are. Who from the record company stuffed the ballot box?

*Lady GaGa is like “I broke glass bottles over my piano for THIS?”

*Here comes J. Lo. She got the “are you ready to rumble?” dude to announce her. If we added up all of J. Lo and Britney’s musical performances, how many times do you think they’ve actually sung live? Once?

*Bitch made a song about Loubotin shoes. Is that how you spell that? Are you serious?

*I would say go back to acting. But it’s not like she’s especially good at that either. Go back to…dancing? Can we bring the Fly Girls back?

*Here comes Sam Jackson. What’s he doing here? He’s not related to Michael.

*Can Whitney do it live? Let’s see.

*She’s doing it. That’s my girl!!

*Bobbi Kristina got Mr. Brown’s gap tooth. Sorry, girl.

*Is that Ray J.? Still hitting that? Aren’t him and Bobbi Kris the same age?

*There goes one of the “Dancing with the Stars” chicks and Leona Lewis, last seen looking for her career. Country female is up next. Nominees are Taylor Swift, Carrie Underwood and Reba McEntire. Can Reba pull this out?

*Nope, Taylor wins. Seriously, do you think she’s been standing by with her tour people for the entire three-hour telecast?

*Melissa Etheridge announces Best Pop Male-Eminem, MJ and T.I. The award goes to Michael. Where did Janet go? Damn…he just called out his whole family except for Randy. Shady much? Then again, Jermaine did marry Randy’s ex-wife.

*A. Keys is back to perform again. Um, I like the song, but this performance is kinda weak.

*So that’s what Seth Green is here for. Why did I just get reminded of the wigger character he played in “Can’t Hardly Wait”? I loved that movie.

*Eminem and 50 are performing “Crack a Bottle”. Em might get the award for biggest squandering of skills in the entire hip-hop industry. So talented, but his subject matter sucks ass.

*Fiddy should hook up with Leona Lewis so they can find their careers together.

*He’s performing “Forever” now. I gotta say he killed his verse on this song. This is a reminder of how good an emcee he is. That is true spittin’.

*After the show? Timbo will be joining Janet and Kelly Clarkson for…you guessed it…chicken and biscuits. Guess those steroi…uh, that weight training didn’t pay off.

*Dude has more rolls in the back of his head than Pillsbury.

*Aw, they did a little “Thriller” takeoff. How cute.

*Do you think Missy Elliott calls Timbaland every now and then and says “hey, remember me?”

*What is up with all these chicks with unpronounceable names?

*I must admit, rock has been sorely unrepresented in this show. It’s up to Green Day to save the rock.

*They’re not doing a great job. Billie Joe blows almost the entire first verse and looks singularly unexcited to be performing. Then again, I found “21st Century Breakdown” pretty uninspired and “21 Guns” is a pretty obvious rewrite of “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” .

*Ooh, fireworks. This is still a lame performance.

*Billie Joe-the falsetto was not a good look. At all.

*Toni Braxton (remember her?) is presenting favorite Male Hip-Hop. Nominees are Jigga, Eminem and T.I. I call Eminem.

*Jigga wins. Holy shit!

*That man oozes cool. Brooklyn, baby!!

*Here comes Ryan Seacrest. He’s a sportscaster??

*Artist of the Year: Is it MJ, Taylor Swift, Eminem, Kings of Leon or Lady GaGa? I say it’s either Taylor or Michael. Too close to call.

*Taylor Swift wins it. She’s either really sincere or really fake. I can’t tell which.

*Glambert is closing out the show. Good God, do you think he could gay it up a little more?

*I’m being sarcastic, in case you can’t figure it out.

*Whoa. He just ground some dude’s face into his crotch. Censors! Censors!!

*There go a bunch of moms in Iowa who won’t buy his album.

*He just almost did a face plant. Was that on purpose?

*Between him and Lady GaGa, this might as well be the GLAAD awards.

*OK dude, easy on the shrieking.

*My friend Pat mentioned that he thought the Lambert cover was so gay that he would be embarrassed if it were to pop up on his iPod. Then he said “no offense”. I wasn’t offended. That album cover is too gay even for me.

*I think the audience was too gayed out to clap for that one.

*Final tally: Taylor Swift won 5 awards, MJ won four awards, Jigga and The Black Eyed Peas won two apiece.

*There have been better ways to spend three hours, but this show wasn’t altogether awful. See you at the Grammys.

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